


they were willing to try

by markhyuckstea



Series: 24 days of christmas 2k18 [8]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety, Arguing, Crushes, Crying, Fluff and Angst, Gender Dysphoria, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Genderqueer Character, Hope, Hope vs. Despair, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Summaries, I'm Bad At Tagging, I'm Sorry, Idiots in Love, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, M/M, Other, Sad with a Happy Ending, Secret Crush, Why Did I Write This?, i literally slept only two and a half hours, until 3 am
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 14:02:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,384
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16893975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/markhyuckstea/pseuds/markhyuckstea
Summary: ten doesn't believe that a relationship could work, that any relationships could ever work. yukhei tries to convince them otherwise





	they were willing to try

Ten was... sad. They couldn't describe it as anything else. It was just immense sadness that they didn't know how to cope with. Sure, Ten had felt sad before, they had gone through almost the same exact thing before, but back then they had the opportunity to solve the problem. Now Ten had no way to do so. They weren't able to avoid the problem in any way since the problem was around them every day and he wasn't about to leave.

They remember they felt the same thing a few years ago because of one person. Youngho was his name. Probably. Ten had suppressed the memories of him a long time ago.

See, whenever Ten felt something for another person, they went into a total panic mode. They were afraid of feelings and didn't allow themselves to actually... feel them. Ten described themselves as a realist, which was definitely not true - they were an absolute pessimist, their 'realistic' nature made them absolutely terrified of relationships. All of them would reach the same end anyway, right? Ten and their partner would be happy for a little while and then one of them would lose their feelings and have a break-up after which they would lose contact, even though they'd promise each other that they're staying as friends, and in the result, they'd end up with a broken heart. What was the point?

And so Ten, with one experience with relationships that failed and can't even be counted as a relationship when he was fourteen and hadn't figured themselves out and still thought that they were a cis guy, had never been in a proper relationship. Sure, they had crushes and other people had crushed on them but it had never gone anywhere. Ten was genuinely glad that the people they had confessed to didn't like them back. They were better off as friends, Ten didn't want to risk a good friendship just because of stupid feelings.

Yet it still hurt. It still hurt a lot. Ten hadn't confessed to Yukhei yet and they doubted they would because Ten valued their friendship a lot. But even though it hurt, Ten didn't avoid Yukhei. They loved the boy too much for that, unfortunately. Though they had noticeably changed, thankfully the younger hadn't brought it up yet. Maybe he hadn't even noticed it, even if it was obvious? Ten hoped, if Yukhei didn't care, it would make getting over him so much easier.

Ten was lying in their bed, free for the day, not wanting to do anything, except wallow in their own sorrow. So they did just that. Ten had woken up at around eight, way earlier than usual and now they were still in bed, even though it was already three in the afternoon. It was kind of nice to just rest like this, no one had called nor bothered them since yesterday evening. Ten missed Yukhei, though. They wanted to cuddle him as they sometimes did or to just talk to the boy. He was always happy and that unconditional happiness was contagious. Ten wanted to feel happy but only if they were with Yukhei. Otherwise, they were more than just happy to suffer.

Of course, that wasn't about to continue for long. In a few minutes, they heard loud footsteps, that sounded like Yukhei's, and a faint knock on the door. Ten cursed themselves for thinking that everything is just about Yukhei, anyone could have footsteps like that.

They stepped out of bed, annoyed. Ten was still in their pyjamas if they could be called that. They were just some old shorts and a t-shirt they had stolen from Yukhei a while ago because it was so big and Ten could drown in it. It was comfortable but definitely ruined the bedtime aesthetic, especially since there was a hole in the back of the shirt.

Ten avoided the mirror masterfully because morning (or in this case, afternoon) Ten looked... well, Ten looked, that's enough said. They thought they gave out too much "boy vibes" when Ten just got out of bed and that was something that made them very dysphoric - one more reason why they would be an insufferable partner. Their dysphoria made them sad often and being around them would be too annoying.

"Hi, sweetheart," Yukhei said, smiling widely. If Ten was annoyed before, they had absolutely melted now and were the exact opposite of that. They were more than glad to see the gigantic baby boy in front of them.

"Hey, come in!" Ten smiled and opened the door wider to let the boy in. "Did you want something?"

"Yeah," he said, coming in, "your company," he cooed and took a seat on Ten's bed. "Can I get some of that?"

"You? Always," Ten said and lay back down on his back, crossing their hands on their stomach. Yukhei lightly fell back on the bed and put his head on Ten's stomach. The baby boy turned his head to look at Ten and was still smiling widely. A slight smile crept up on Ten's face as well. It was impossible to not be happy around Yukhei.

"I'm not comfy yet," the younger whined cutely. Ten giggled at that and pet his head. The boy shifted his position so that now he was lying parallel to Ten. The younger wrapped his arms around Ten's petite body and loudly exhaled. "That's better. Now I'm good. So, what have you done today?"

"I... nothing. I was just in bed, enjoying the free day, y'know," Ten made it sound way better than it was. They had actually managed to already cry twice that day, so it was actually kind of the direct opposite of _enjoying_ a day. "What about you?" they murmured, playing with Yukhei's hand. It was actually quite adorable, how much smaller Ten's hand was than Yukhei's.

"Not much... just hung out with Mark for a while, then he had to go to Hyuckie and I was left alone. And now here I am," the boy intertwined their fingers and pressed a small kiss on the back of Ten's hand. Yukhei was the only person that could be so touchy with them, the boy had worked up to this and Ten felt weird when they hadn't hugged Yukhei for a while. _Wrong_ even.

"Mm, did you have fun with Mark?" Ten asked, snuggling up closer to the boy.

"Yeah, we watched a movie, it was nice. The main character reminded me of you," Yukhei laughed. "Though I'm pretty sure I fell asleep at some point."

"Of course you did," Ten giggled. "This is why I always put on the most boring movie first, so you can sleep through that and then put a movie that I actually want to watch with you as second because then you don't sleep anymore."

"Am I really that bad?" Yukhei pouted cutely. "You should wake me up instead."

_But you look so cute... I can't do that, it's a crime against humanity._

"You're just that bad, Xuxi, trust me," Ten said instead and laughed. "Don't worry, I still love you, even though you're like a sleepy baby."

"In my opinion, being a sleepy baby is arguably my best quality," he objected and laughed, not being able to hold it in. "Even though, arguably, I'm not willing to argue about it because I'm right."

"You are, you are," Ten agreed. They could never say 'no' to Yukhei after all. Ten shifted slightly, so they could look up and actually see the boy's face properly. Ten couldn't actually believe how lucky they had got to actually be friends with Yukhei.

There was a minute or two of silence. Not an awkward one, there could never be awkward silences between them. Ten and Yukhei felt comfortable enough around each other to just be silent together. But then the younger spoke up again.

"I actually... wanted to talk to you," he started quietly and secured his grip around Ten.

"What about?" Ten asked, their heart skipping a beat. The older was scared of serious conversations, they never meant anything good. So they were scared because the last thing the older ever wanted to do was argue with Yukhei.

"You've been down lately and I don't know why and how I can help," he squeezed Ten's hand a bit tighter, "but I want to be there for you, so, please, tell me what's wrong, sweetheart."

"I'm okay. Just more dysphoric than usual, I guess," Ten lied. Lying to Yukhei hurt a lot, Ten wanted to be honest with the boy but that wouldn't lead to anything good anyway.

"Oh, sweetheart..." Yukhei sighed. "Is there anything I can do to help?" he asked and pressed a kiss on Ten's forehead.

"No, not much. I'll be better in a bit, don't worry," Ten said quietly and squeezed the boy's hand in return. "Thank you, though, it means a lot. I love you."

"I love you, too, so much," Yukhei said and hugged Ten a bit tighter. "Are you sure it's just that, though? You've been dysphoric before but it hasn't been as bad... I don't mean to pry, I just want you to really be okay, love," the boy said in the sweetest voice possible. That made tears run to Ten's eyes but they blinked them away before the younger could notice.

"Yeah, it's really _just_ that," Ten said, accidentally emphasizing the 'just'. Repeating what the boy said, made them realize how he had referred to dysphoria. As _just something_. Ten knew that that's not how Yukhei had meant it to come out and that the boy definitely didn't mean to undermine that struggle but rather to single it out, they couldn't help but to be slightly offended.

"I didn't mean it like that, I'm sorry," Yukhei said in a slightly panicked voice. "I just know how you are when you're feeling dysphoric and how you are when it's something else bothering you. And it feels like it's something else now," the boy explained himself.

"Yeah, I know you didn't mean it like that," Ten said calmly and Yukhei seemed to relax a bit, "but you don't really know jackshit about dysphoria, Xuxi. How can you know that it's not just taking a bigger effect on me now?" Ten asked, keeping their calm tone but it was obvious they were accusing Yukhei.

Ten took things to heart a lot, even if it didn't seem like it often because they tended to keep things inside. They weren't even comfortable enough to correct people that used the wrong pronouns for them, even though that made their heart change its rhythm completely. Ten just hoped by now that someone else would do it in their place or just to get out of the conversation sooner.

"I'm sorry, you're right, sweetheart, I don't know anything about it. I just wanted to help," Yukhei said, quietly and loosened his grip around Ten slightly.

And of course, now Ten was in front of a dilemma. They could keep it going and make it a full blown argument after which they wouldn't even be friends anymore. Or they could say that they just overreacted, which was true, and let it go. The first idea was the dumbest one, while the latter one would keep their friendship normal before it was too late. Obviously, Ten went with the former, since having an argument would definitely make them drift apart and Ten could quickly and easily get over their crush.

"Help," Ten laughed and sat up, so they weren't hugged by the younger anymore. "There is nothing you can do about it, except keep trying to get out a reason why I'm upset that isn't dysphoria," it felt so wrong being rude to Yukhei. It was unusual and made Ten cry because what they were doing was... wrong. Yukhei deserved none of it. He shouldn't be hurt just because Ten was being an idiot. But it was for the better, they tried to convince themselves of that, at least. If they finally argued, they could skip the whole confession and heartbreak stage and go immediately to drifting apart, so they wouldn't have to suffer any longer. It was just a matter of time when it would happen, anyway.

They tried to wipe away their tears before Yukhei could notice, Ten didn't want to seem weak, even though Yukhei had seen them cry a lot already. He had been the older's shoulder to cry on. That made them cry even more, but Ten kept suppressing the tears.

"Ten, sweetheart, I really am sorry," Yukhei sounded so genuinely apologetic and guilty. Ten couldn't turn around to face the boy, if they did so, Ten would immediately start apologizing and their _plan_ would go to waste. "I didn't mean to make you upset, baby..."

"I was already upset before, you haven't really achieved anything there," Ten sadly said and let out a pathetic laugh. "I just don't get why you don't think it's because of dysphoria. What makes you think that it's something else? Why would that not be enough of a reason? You know that my dysphoria can get pretty bad, no? Even if there is another reason for it, why would you not believe me?" Ten suddenly stopped. They had admitted to there being something else. And that was the last straw that broke them today and made the older cry for the third time.

Ten couldn't hide their sobs anymore, so they let their tears fall. Ten could hear Yukhei moving closer to them, so they hid their face in their hands, so Ten wouldn't have to look at Yukhei, who they had tried to argue with badly but ultimately failed at it by talking too much.

Yukhei put his hands on Ten's wrists lightly, not to take their hands off of their face but just to be touching. "Ten... baby... I know you too well. And you just admitted that I was right. So please, let me help," Yukhei said and sat down next to the older. They both stayed quiet for a bit, Ten not being able to form words in between their sobs and Yukhei just drawing circles on their back. The boy lifted Ten up and put them in his lap, so now Ten's head was on Yukhei's shoulder. Ten let their hands find their position around Yukhei and continued crying into the boy's shirt.

Why was he so fucking caring? It wasn't right. Ten shouldn't be the one to be tortured by unnecessary emotions, they had already a lot going on and feelings for Yukhei were just too much at this point.

It took a lot of time for Ten to finally calm down. Or so it seemed to them. They couldn't actually pinpoint it on a timeline, it could've been anywhere from five minutes to an hour or so. Ten's sense of time was totally fucked because of how many things they had to think about.

"What's wrong, baby?" Yukhei asked in a quiet voice. He cupped Ten's face and moved the older so that the boy could see them. Ten couldn't meet Yukhei's eyes, they stared down at the boy's shirt. The older felt immense guilt and for all the right reasons too. There wasn't any going back from this. They would have to tell the truth.

"I... I like you. So, I guess, this was my way of kind of... this was my way of getting you to leave now before I'd have to tell that to you. But, surprise, it didn't work," Ten sadly admitted, letting go of the tight hug they were holding Yukhei by. They were sure that Yukhei wouldn't even want to see them now and just leave.

Instead, Yukhei very softly and quietly asked: "Why?"

"Why what? Why do I like you? Why do I want you to leave now? Why didn't I want to tell you?"

"Why do you want me to leave?" Yukhei asked, even quieter. The boy sounded... hurt. Ten felt so guilty, Yukhei didn't deserve any of this. He deserved to be happy so much more. But instead, Ten was only making the matters worse, as always.

"So it doesn't hurt more. You'd leave either way, not that I'd blame you for it. And I just want it to happen faster because I don't think I could take it later. It's better for both of us, especially for you," they whispered.

"I would never leave you, Ten... I love you. Not only platonically. I love you and I have for a long time. I don't want to lose you, you're too important to me," Yukhei said, his voice breaking in the end. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you, too," Ten whispered back. "I love you but it would happen. That's how everything ends. Someone always leaves. And I don't want to be hurt, as selfish as it may be. I'm sorry. But you know it's true, right? It'd happen sooner or later," Ten quietly argued, stubbornly still insisting on their truth. 

"Why do you think so? I wouldn't... I'm not going to leave you. Unless you'd want me to," Yukhei said back, wiping away a tear that had somehow escaped Ten's eye. "I love you too much for that."

"You'd get annoyed by me. I'm a mess to deal with. You'd get annoyed by me and I wouldn't even blame you for it," Ten insisted. "I don't want anything to happen to us. We're such good friends. But if we... if we turn into something else, it's going to meet the same end like everything else and I don't want that. I don't ever want to lose you, Xuxi."

"And yet you wanted me to leave."

"For your own sake. I want you to be happy-" Ten couldn't even finish their sentence as they got interrupted.

"I'm happy with you. I want to be with you. As friends or dating you, it doesn't matter to me as long as you're happy. Please understand that. I want you," he tightened his grip around the older as if to prove his point. "I'm the happiest with you, sweetheart, and I wish you could see it. And I want to try out an _us_. If it doesn't work, we can still be friends, can't we?"

"I love you. That's why I can't say yes to this. It just wouldn't work out. Everyone who says 'let's stay as friends' after a breakup drifts apart. I can't risk that," Ten cried out.

"You were ready to risk it, though. You wanted me to leave just a minute ago. So why not, Ten? I promise you that I'll prove you wrong. That I won't leave and that we will work out. You wanted me to be happy and you like me. This is what would make me happy, Ten, trying out an 'us'. Let me prove you wrong," he persisted.

"I can't," Ten was so tired. They were so tired of arguing and so tired of saying 'no' to Yukhei when they didn't even want to do so. "I love you too much."

"Please, Ten. If you do, let's try," Yukhei said.

"I..." the older physically couldn't get the words out anymore. "I love you."

"Is that a yes?"

Ten nodded, not being actually able to say it out loud.

"Please say it, so I know it's real," Yukhei asked.

"Yeah," Ten's voice cracked in the middle of the word.

They were willing to try. As long as Yukhei was happy, Ten didn't care about getting their heart broken. Not anymore.

"Can I kiss you?"

Ten didn't respond but instead did it themselves. They put their lips onto Yukhei's soft ones and it was just as cliche and magical as books described it. There were salty sparks flying around them, made out of the tears they had both managed to cry out in the last few hours. But even though the kiss was slow and sad, both Ten and Yukhei enjoyed every moment of it. It was their first and it marked the start of something new and it meant so much to both of them.

"I love you," Ten looked into Yukhei's eyes and whispered.

"I love you too."


End file.
